What Doesn’t Kill You…..
The human body was designed to handle pain: to absorb injury and survive, despite how incredible the wounds. The human psyche, on the other hand, is altogether another story. While broken bones will heal over time, and lacerations give way to scars, emotional pain lingers relentlessly. Maybe the lack of physical presence impedes the healing process. With no wound to stitch closed, no bruise to fade over time, it seems as though nothing has changed. Once the heart has felt that miserable, agonizing ache, perhaps it is unable to ever erase the mark; maybe because the body cannot find the mark that needs to be erased.
Sometimes, I think that if only the memories of those moments would fade, that the pain would fade with them. At the same time, I fear the loss of those memories. If I should wake up one day, having forgotten the sound of his laugh, the feel of his tiny arms around my neck, the way his eyes twinkled when he smiled, maybe then this dreadful, empty ache inside my chest would cease. Then again, perhaps it would worsen. In order to forget what causes that pain, I would also have to forget so much of the only thing that brought light into my dark world for so long. And I can’t bear to forget that.
Sometimes, I find myself staring into the reflection in the mirror, wondering who it is that is looking back at me. I wonder what my life would be like on the other side of the mirror. Would it be the reverse of what I live here, and now? Does the girl in the mirror stare back at me, and wonder why I look so broken, and empty when she is so content with HER life?
Could I switch places with the girl in the mirror, and see if her life is only a reflection of my own, or if it is possibly another version? Like Alice through the looking glass, there could be a whole new world of wonders on the other side of that mirror. Maybe I have already fallen through it once, and have ended up on the side where things aren’t the way I always dreamed that they would be. Although it could be that the girl staring back at me longs to be in MY place. Maybe SHE suffers horrors unseen by the glass, and dreams of finding a way out to a better place.
It boils down very simply. Things are what they are. It does one no good to live in a world of what ifs, and buts…those things simple are not. Only the things that are, are. Changes can be made, and alterations can be applied, but only after trudging through what is already in existence.
Everyone wants to have happiness, and good times, and nobody wants to suffer sadness and pain. The thing is, in reality, you can’t have one or the other. You can’t have a top without a bottom, or an in without an out, so it would be impossible to have pleasure without pain, or happiness without sadness.
Having said that, it must be true that what does not kill you will make you stronger. If that is true, however, I must be stronger than the Hulk. You would never know from seeing me with the mask I wear each day. My smiles overlay frowns, and laughter hides the pain. Deep down, I ache for the one thing that I can not have. I will probably NEVER have that one thing, and it will probably always eat at me like a parasite, slowly eating away my insides until there is nothing left. On the outside, no one will ever know. The human body has a magnificent capacity to handle pain. I am living proof. Me, and the many others like me who suffer silently, day after day, all the while wearing smiles.