Sanity is relative….

Riddle Me This….

Explain to me how I can so easily find the words to write a lengthy rant, a sonnet that earned me a 100% grade for English class, poetry that was published in a compilation, and letters that evoke emotion from their readers, yet when I want to speak, I can no longer find the words that so easily flow to the paper.  What happens in the speaking process that renders me a mute, completely void of any vocabulary whatsoever?

Is this a common problem for artists, or writers?  Does the change in the medium somehow limit my ability to make proper use of it?  It’s not like I have a problem with public speaking, or anything like that.  In fact, delivering a speech is something I find rather simple.  I do not fear speaking.  Maybe because I have the ability to write my speech prior to opening my mouth to deliver it, it is a less threatening method of communication.  Who knows.

I do know that in a desperate attempt to relay some very personal thoughts, and feelings that I have been struggling with for quite some time to someone very important to me, someone that I love very much, I am unable to speak one single word.  Conversations about the weather, today’s football game, or a day at work are not a problem.  I can even explain, in great detail, what types of projects I am working on for class, or for my personal collections.  Feelings, however, that is a whole new ballgame.

I can’t remember having this problem when I was younger.  It must have come with age.  I could write it all down, rather eloquently, but handing it to the person for their eyes to scan, and for their brain to absorb seems almost impossible.  In fact, I have attempted to write some of these things down many times for the past year.  The end result?  An envelope filled with letters that have never been seen by eyes other than mine.

How does one go from an extremely articulate person to a wide-eyed, trembling mess who is unable to utter one syllable pertaining to something that is a constant weight upon shoulders that no longer want to carry it?  Perhaps my resolution this year should have been more about my ability to speak, and less about the writing that I have pushed to the side for so many years.

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4 responses

  1. Are you by any chance on lithium? Because I have the same problem. I reach for a word that used to be there and has poofed its way out of my brain or is just playing hide and seek behind a useless lump of gray matter. Either way, I just can’t grab on. It’s a helluva drug.

    January 8, 2014 at 1:28 am

    • Actually, no. I am not taking any kind of medications at all. Perhaps, this inability to vocalize words that I can so easily write is and indicator that maybe I should be. I think, honestly, there is a certain amount of stress involved with speaking to people face to face, that doesn’t come with writing. I think anonymity plays a big role, as well. I can talk more easily with people that I don’t know than I can with people that I am close to. Of course, the subject matter tends to be a lot less intimate with strangers, lol. Maybe I am just afraid of the reaction, afraid of what they will think or say, or afraid of getting the answer that I know that I am not prepared to hear….
      I have heard from a friend of mine, though, that Lithium does have a tendency to do that. I have a friend who is schizophrenic, and took lithium for a while. He had constant issues with his really short-term memory, especially in relation to trying to converse with others.
      Thanks for reading!!

      January 8, 2014 at 1:48 am

  2. Pingback: At a loss for words | Eccentric States

    • And, btw, I’m glad that I inspired you to further this idea on “lost vocabulary”. I think a lot of my losses come from anxiety with face to face, intimate communication, combined with a brain that functions too quickly for me to even keep up with most of the time, lol. I tested, in school a million years ago, with Genius level IQ scores, and was skipped grades, and put in Advanced level classes because my brain functioned at an extremely high level of activity, and needed additional challenges, and alternative options from traditional learning. This is what the school said, mind you. Whether or not that is completely true, I am not certain. I think these days, they just call smart kids with overactive brains ADHD, lol. (Which I’m PRETTY sure I STILL have). A lot of the time, I lose focus on what I am doing, or saying, because my mind is running a mile a minute in multiple directions, and occasionally, I can’t keep up while I am talking.
      For example, I had trouble with multiple words for a minute while typing that last paragraph, even though I had several sentences word for word in my head when I started typing. As I put down what I thought, my mind wandered to an article I just read, who was messaging me on Facebook, what my bf was doing, hearing the conversation my roommates were having WITH my bf…and about 35 other thoughts that I just can’t keep up with lol.
      Ahhh….the joys of being ridiculously unable to focus on any one thing for more than 2 seconds.

      January 8, 2014 at 4:06 am

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