Sanity is relative….


Populating Mars??

I don’t know if any of you are familiar with the Mars One project, but, according to recent press releases, there will be life on Mars as early as 2024.  As we speak, applicants are being narrowed down, and chosen to begin an eight year long training program to prepare them for a one-way trip to Mars.  The catch?  Well, those chosen to go will never return to Earth.

Basically, groups of four will be sent to Mars, beginning in the year 2024 (providing there are no delays), and every two years thereafter.  The first unmanned journey is set for 2018 for delivery of supplies, rovers, and living quarters.  When the chosen astronauts arrive, they will construct their living quarters in an area that will have been scoped by the rovers.  Since the atmosphere on Mars consists of high levels of Carbon Dioxide, and low levels of Oxygen, and is also much too thin for us to breathe, the inhabitants will have to wear Mars Suits any time they are outside of the living quarters.  These suits will also protect the astronauts from the extreme weather, and any potentially harmful radiation.  Two communications satellites, along with an Earth ground base will assist in communications, although, at best, voice calls will have a 7 minute delay.  Talking to your friends, or family members from Mars by phone may prove very difficult!

Believe it or not, this project was founded in 2011, by Bas Lansdorp and Arno Wielders.  It was during that year that communications meetings were held with developers of aerospace components in the  UK, US, Canada, and Italy.  Supplier engineers, and business developers solidified mission architecture, budget plans, and timelines, and the baseline design of a mission to establish permanent human settlement on the planet Mars using only existing technology was designed.

Crew selection is scheduled to be completed by the end of this year, with training beginning for the astronauts in 2015.  As they are trained, supplies will be sent, and locations for optimal construction of the living quarters will be scouted by one of two rovers.  In 2024, we should be seeing off the first 4 humans that will establish permanent settlement on Mars, however, it will take them about 7 months before they set foot on their new home planet.  It is estimated that they will land in 2025, and begin constructing their living quarters, and growing plants for food.  Another drop-off will be made containing additional living quarters, and life support units for the next group of four to arrive.  The plan is to have these quarters constructed, and ready by the time the next group of inhabitants arrives.  The second departure is scheduled for 2026, meaning they will probably arrive in Mars in 2027.

It is astonishing to read these plans, and even more so to realize that all of this is taking place in our lifetime!  It does, however, lead to an interesting question.  Who is to say that WE (as in all of us here, on Earth), were not part of the original version of this very project?  In my earlier blog, “The What If Game”, I posed an interesting theory about the possibility of us all being part of an alien experiment, like an ant farm that is being watched as we evolve.  In a way, isn’t that exactly what we are doing on Mars?  We are sending small groups to begin inhabiting a foreign planet, hoping that they can learn to sustain life there.  At this point, it is but a project for us.

Hundreds of years from now, there could be hundreds of thousands of us living on Mars, completely unaware of our roots on Earth.  We will be starting over on a new planet, with a clean slate.  Who is to say that those on Mars won’t decide to cut communications with us at some point as they grow, and strengthen as a nation?  It is, after all, possible that after many years, we could evolve, and adapt to that atmosphere, making the living quarters no longer a necessity.  Perhaps, at some point, they may decide that they no longer need, or desire, contact with us.  By that point, we will probably have put this planet into a devastating place anyway, void of natural resources, and potentially close to barren for us.  We may have entered another world war by then, and wiped out the majority of our own kind with nuclear weapons, or chemical warfare.  Earth could be a distant memory of a no longer existent planet in a hundred years, or a thousand years.  Will those on Mars still study our history, and speak of us fondly?  Or will they choose to block out all knowledge of us to their young so that it is never known to them how corrupt, and greedy, and insensitive people became before we managed to cause our own extinction?

The theories, and possibilities are absolutely endless as to what could happen, may happen, or will happen.  With this new project thrown into the mix of “life as we know it”, what doors does that open for the future?  Even more curious, though, is what does it say about the possibility of our PAST?  Could we have been part of a race that has long since destroyed itself, or its planet?  Or even one that watches us still, taking notes on our developments, and advancements and logging it in timelines, and record books for reference?  Maybe we all ended up here because our original race grew to be as we are growing to be, and before they stripped their own planet completely of all resources, they started sending people here to repopulate, to continue the human race.  Any of these theories is possible, when you consider them.  Especially when you consider the fact that we are now sending people to a new planet to start a new community as part of a “project”.  I’m sure we will record what they do, and log events as they unfold.  At some point, we may even begin shuttling people there in larger groups, once we realize that our demise is inevitable, even if self-inflicted.

These are just thoughts, brought on by our eagerness to spread out as a people, to explore new places, and make settlements in uncharted territories.  Surely you don’t believe we are the first to have this “brilliant” idea?  Then again, maybe there are many of us out there with that egotistical, self-absorbed attitude that I have spoken about before, that believe that we are the only superior beings in this infinitely vast universe.  Maybe it is that very attitude that brought us here to begin with, and has led to our savage, greedy, and violent nature that is now proving to be a strain on our very environment, as well as on our ability to coexist peacefully within it.

An Apology for a Busy Week

I have not posted in a few days, mainly because I have started a new class this week, and have had to focus my time and energies elsewhere for a bit, just until I am more familiar with how this class will go.  So far, this is one of my more difficult classes, as far as the expectations of my instructor.  He is, however, a friendly, and engaging teacher, and I do enjoy the live sessions of the class.  He seems to be very helpful, so far, despite his higher standards for some of the work that other classes have not given as much weight concerning.  In each class, we have a discussion forum where we are expected to respond to the question given in a main post, as well as to leave comment posts to at least two of our peers each week.  Usually, these questions are fairly short, and require no more than the 150 word minimum that most instructors place.  We have always been told to cite sources, and include references when applicable, but many of the questions don’t require that we find a source.  I usually try to include one, only because I was under the understanding that it was a required part of these discussion posts.  This instructor does require research for the post.  Keep in mind, now, that 150 words, really isn’t that much.  Especially when it comes to a topic that may require research.  In the past, I have been able to include information from one source, along with what I may already know, to create a fairly lengthy post.  This week, I think I searched for sources to answer the question for longer than I took to write the post!  The question wanted explanations, pros and cons, and an opinion for each of three Adobe programs.  Then, we were to choose the one we felt was the best to use for a game development company.

First off, I have no idea how to develop a game, or graphics for one, at this point in my education. I have taken classes on Photoshop, and Illustrator, but this week is the first time I have explored Adobe Flash at all.  Right off the bat, I had no personal opinions as to which program would be best, other than to assume that Flash would probably be the best choice because I did know that you could use it to create animated, or interactive things.  It took hours, and hours of searching to find relative information about these programs.  It wasn’t enough to just know what to say about them, I had to understand why they would, or would not, be a good choice for game development.  SHEESH!!  I finally completed the assignment, only to realize that my Internet was out, and I was unable to post it on time, which means that I will lose 3 points on my grade for the post being late.

On top of this, I have had over four hours of in-class time, and have a pretty big two-part assignment due on Saturday.  I also have an assessment, which is basically a short quiz (or I hope it’s short anyway) that need to be completed by Saturday as well.  Needless to say, I was not really prepared for this shift in difficulty levels of my classes.  I actually had two classes for the last Module, and felt pretty good about the time management of my projects, tests, and posts.  The first week of a new class is always a little rougher, though, because that’s when you get to know what your expectations are from a new instructor, and you have to really reorganize your methods sometimes to accommodate.

Anyway…..I have been planning to start my flash fiction story soon, but was waiting until this first week wore off a little bit, and I was in a better groove with my studying, and school work.  I also have the school newspaper to write for this month, which takes precedence over my personal writing.  Hopefully, things will even out for me by Saturday, and I can post some interesting things that people will actually WANT to read lol.  Thanks to those of you who are reading, though!! I appreciate your patience as I wade through the week, and I promise that my efforts will be back here with you guys within a few days!!



Time to Play the What-If Game~Round 1

     What if nothing is as it seems?  What if you see the color blue the way that I see the color pink?  I mean, if we all grew up repeatedly being told that an orange is orange, and an apple is red, the sky is blue, and the grass is green, would we not always make that word relation to that same color? How do you really know, though, that what our eyes see is exactly the same from person to person?  True, scientifically it breaks down into light beams, and rods and cones inside the eye sending messages into the brain, but, how can anyone be sure that the exact hue, tint, saturation of those colors really LOOKS the same to every single person? 

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     What if there are tons of civilizations on tons of planets throughout the vast universe?  Are we the ones looking for life on another planet? Or are we the “life on another planet” that is being sought after by another race somewhere far off into the Universe?  It could be that they have already discovered us, and deemed us unworthy of their time and efforts, and have zoomed off into the distance of space looking for intelligent lifeforms somewhere else, somewhere far, far away from this planet.  And who could blame them?  They would find here inhabitants who destroy the Earth like a cancer, eating away at the good parts, and spreading the disease ever further across the globe.  They, surely, could see how humankind is not at all human.  Do they watch us and wonder how we can strive off of greed, and hatred? Or how we can continue to be at war over reasons, that to them, probably don’t make sense at all?  Do they see how we hurt each other, kill each other, have no compassion for one another, and think to themselves that they are better off staying far away from a planet filled with such disease?

     What if we are but a chronic illness to the organism that we call Earth, and not actually “human” at all?  What if our entire society, and all that we know eats away at this larger organism, destroying pieces of it little by little, and making it ever sicker until it dies?  What if cancer, and AIDS, and Diabetes are the antibodies sent by the organism that we are killing, in order to fight us off, and preserve its host (Earth)?  All of our ideas about who, and what we are in the grand scheme of things, are, after all, very relative.  Everything that we think we know is relative, based upon other things that we think that we know.  But, what if we are wrong?  About everything?  What if the disease that eats away at our bodies is really another race of beings, just like us, believing that they are on their very own planet, and certain that they are the highest intelligence in the world? 

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     What if we are part of a larger experiment created by an even more advanced society?  We have built habitats for wild animals, attempting to trick them into believing that they are not hostages, in the name of science.  We have built glass encased ant farms so that we can watch the busy little ants working away at their extravagant tunnels, and investigated how they live their lives.  But, what if WE are all just part of an “ant farm”, so to speak?  What if we were strategically placed in this “habitat” by beings who just wanted to see what our true nature as people really is?  If that happened, I believe the scientists would be extremely disappointed at this juncture.  I can see them shaking their heads, pencils over their ears, wearing lab coats, carrying clipboards, and speaking to one another about why we can’t manage to get past selfishness, and violence.  What if this has all been done before, before the “big bang”?  This could be one of hundreds of these “human ant farms” where we are placed, watched, recorded, and left alone to destroy, not only the habitat, but ourselves, as well.  We may have failed this whole trial a few (or a few hundred) times already, still they watch.  Maybe they change variables in each experiment, giving us ever more information about the necessity of humanity, love, and compassion, and each time, we manage to return to this uncivilized state of selfish, “wild animal” behavior.  Perhaps each time, those watching decide that they have failed, yet again, and destroy the giant case that we live in.  Of course, that “giant casing” could be just a metaphor, I’m not saying there is an actual glass case around us, I am simply pointing out the possibility that this is all part of a bigger, grander thing in a bigger, grander universe that we are far too proud, and self-absorbed to bother to see, or admit to.  For us to admit to that, we must admit to being inferior.  One flaw I have found with humans, is their utter, and complete inability to believe that they are inferior to ANYTHING.  Some humans, even more so than others. 

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     What if the lives that we lead are displayed solely for entertainment, like “The Truman Show”, with Jim Carrey?  Maybe we live a non-stop reality show, or maybe it just seems non-stop to us.  It could be that it isn’t even a show, but an elaborate play in which we are all the dolls, and structures of a child’s play room.  We sleep when we are not being used, and we would have no real way to know the time, other than the settings each day, which are provided by the child.  Again, so many people will read this, and dismiss it hastily.  That goes back to the inability to realize that size, even OUR size, is all completely relative.  Just as ants are tiny to us, there could be beings out there much larger than we are.  Just because we aren’t aware of them, does not mean that it is an impossibility.  It goes back to the simplest idea that we only think we know what we know because of the information that we have available.  If we weren’t in control of what information that was, how would we ever TRULY know any different?  We wouldn’t.  Do you really think ants in the ant farm realize that they are not a part of a bigger world?  If dolls could think, like we do, would they know anything other than what world the child created for them to know?  Probably not.

     I am in no way saying that any of this is true.  This is a little thing I like to call the “What If” game, and I play it quite a bit.  It is basically a “food for thought” kind of rant, where I question knowledge, or whatever else I may have on my mind.  This forces you to think, at least for a second, about the other endless possibilities about life, and people.  I like to point out how very imperative relativity is, in every respect.  And I want other people to stop, even if for only a brief moment, and realize that we may not necessarily be alone in the universe, and we may not be the superior beings.  It is POSSIBLE that we may not be ANYTHING like what we think we are.  Once you can start opening your mind to these thoughts, these possibilities, I think your general manner of thinking expands, and you are more open to the little things that you may have taken for granted yesterday.  All I’m really trying to do is to make you STOP, and just THINK. 

     I mean, really, WHAT IF you just stopped, smelled the roses, and let your mind wander for a little while?  What if we all admit that maybe we aren’t as smart as we think we are?  What if we allowed some of this to really sink in, and maybe, just maybe, it gave us the push we needed to be a LITTLE bit nicer to one another? A little more forgiving? A little more compassionate?  What if these are the thoughts that lead to a world filled with more love for one another, and less hate? More building, than destroying? More peace, than war? More consideration to our HOME, and less destruction, and abuse? 

What If??

One Bad Decision

The decision was made,

the deed was done…

too late to undo it, and nowhere to run..

The feel of cold steel, and the sound of that click

Regret fills the emptiness between where she and I sit

Embarrassment and shame, we hung our heads down

wondering “how can we redeem ourselves now?”

Without excuses, we accept our fault

and hope that will help us get out of this vault.

Weeks will pass full of anxiety

until we are certain what our fate will be.

One thing is certain, I am already sure

No more decisions this bad, for me, OR for her….


Inhale slowly, take the pain away,

a swallow, briskly, helps you face the day.

Red-rimmed eyes, pale, white face,

smile on your lips, you’re in a happy place.

Afternoon approaches, and with it will come tears,

unless you can find that last 5 bucks…

just a few more beers.

Evening wears thin, and you can barely move,

the baby crying in the den, but you are too confused.

Inhaled once too many times, your bottle nearly empty

and you can’t think over all that racket, isn’t it a pity?

Polish off the bottle, and stagger to the baby.

You can’t take the noise, the screaming driving you crazy.

Trip over your own feet as you hold the baby high,

walk with him to the stairs, slurring to him, “don’t you cry”.

He needs to go to bed now, but you can’t see through the blur,

head over heels, now you can hear “How on Earth will we tell her?”

You can’t remember falling, and now you can’t feel your legs,

the doctor sadly touches you, “You’re paralyzed, and the baby’s dead.”

What happens when a bad cop decides “we don’t have time for this”..

I read this article today in utter disbelief.  I am very well aware of the fact that police officers are not always the “good guys”, but this went beyond what anyone could have imagined, in my opinion.  To make matters worse, I read through the first several comments, only to find an anonymous comment that insisted that the jobs of police officers is NOT to protect and serve, just to enforce the law.  This further infuriated me on so many levels!

First of all, this officer’s response to the situation was just ridiculous.  By no means should this barely 18 year old boy suffering from a schizophrenic episode should have been SHOT AND KILLED while on the ground, and after being Tased.  According to the report, the kid only weighed about 90lbs.  I can not believe that, while being held down by two officers of the law & after having a Taser used on him, that this guy was able to create a violent enough situation to constitute being shot.  Of course, the last words uttered by the officer who shot him were, “We don’t have time for this.”  Well, that is CERTAINLY good to know!  Apparently, if a situation is not contained in a certain time frame by this officer, someone will be shot.  I guess that solves the time crunch.  ??

Second, officers are trained to respond to various types of conflict, including those regarding individuals with mental illnesses.  There are different procedures that must be used, in most cases.  I am fairly certain that none of them entail shooting someone who is already on the ground, and being held down by other officers.  If these officers were not familiar with how to deal with a mental health call, they should have requested back-up from other officers who were.  This shooting was unnecessary, and will haunt this family for the rest of their lives.  Could you imagine watching your son being shot by an officer of the law?

The other thing that really, really got to me, aside from the obvious, was this comment that the police are not supposed to “protect and serve”, just enforce laws.  If that isn’t an outright example of either stupidity, or ignorance on that person’s behalf, then I don’t know what is.  Part of their oath actually swears them to do just that.  Just because they don’t always remember that oath, or uphold it, does not mean that it is not still their JOB to do so.  In fact, in many localities, it is even painted on the police cars.

This case bothered me quite a bit, as I mentioned.  I have a friend who suffers from schizophrenia, and I can not imagine him being shot and killed for having an episode related to his illness.  There are other ways to handle the situation.  He is a lot bigger than 90 pounds, and has yet to have been brutalized, in any way, by professionals who have had to deal with him during any of his episodes.  Not that he had very many, but the fact is that people with this illness are subject to these bouts.  Sometimes, the medications stop working properly.  Other times, the medications work so well, that the patient feels that they no longer need to take them.  I’m not giving them free reign to do as they please, but they do need to be handled in a fair, and just manner when confronted by law officers, or health care professionals.  If force needs to be used to subdue the person, then by all means, use force.  But use it in a reasonable manner.  There is no reason why an officer should get away with shooting someone who is not carrying a lethal weapon, or attacking them relentlessly.  I am quite sure that had a citizen done this, they would be arrested, and jailed without question.  This officer gets paid vacation from work.  Seem unfair to anyone else?

I hope you will take the time to read this article, and see what this poor family is going through.  The justice system is continuously failing us, and cases like these are just proof of how corrupt things are becoming in the systems that were built to keep us all safe.


The Police officers Oath


A sample oath from :

My Beautiful Best Friend-Scratch that, SISTER…

Sarah-Typography Portait This is another typography portrait of my best friend Sarah. She is more like a sister to me, than a friend.  The entire portrait is made using only her name written over and over.  She took this on the beach, and I wanted to capture her just like this.  This is actually one of my favorite projects.



This is SuperUvvy (pronounced SUPER-UHVEE). My son came up with the idea based on a stuffed monkey he has had since he was an infant. When he was little, he had trouble saying the word “lovey”, and that is where “Uvvy” came from.  He named his monkey “Uvvy Monkey”, and to this day has this monkey.  I had to do this project for a class in school.  The assignment was to create, and draw (in Adobe Illustrator) a super hero.  So my son, and I came up with this.  His weapon is a bananaray gun to shoot his enemies.  Keep in mind that my son is only 10, but I liked the idea enough to use it for class, and I did get an “A”, so I am certainly NOT complaining.  Still, this is one of my very early digital art works, so there are still several errors, and places where I need to improve.  For this assignment, we were only allowed to use the Pen Tool, and Shape Tools in the program, and I have to admit, those constraints did hinder my development more than I realized that they would.  This is mainly because the Pen Tool and I are not the best of friends, yet.

Riddle Me This….

Explain to me how I can so easily find the words to write a lengthy rant, a sonnet that earned me a 100% grade for English class, poetry that was published in a compilation, and letters that evoke emotion from their readers, yet when I want to speak, I can no longer find the words that so easily flow to the paper.  What happens in the speaking process that renders me a mute, completely void of any vocabulary whatsoever?

Is this a common problem for artists, or writers?  Does the change in the medium somehow limit my ability to make proper use of it?  It’s not like I have a problem with public speaking, or anything like that.  In fact, delivering a speech is something I find rather simple.  I do not fear speaking.  Maybe because I have the ability to write my speech prior to opening my mouth to deliver it, it is a less threatening method of communication.  Who knows.

I do know that in a desperate attempt to relay some very personal thoughts, and feelings that I have been struggling with for quite some time to someone very important to me, someone that I love very much, I am unable to speak one single word.  Conversations about the weather, today’s football game, or a day at work are not a problem.  I can even explain, in great detail, what types of projects I am working on for class, or for my personal collections.  Feelings, however, that is a whole new ballgame.

I can’t remember having this problem when I was younger.  It must have come with age.  I could write it all down, rather eloquently, but handing it to the person for their eyes to scan, and for their brain to absorb seems almost impossible.  In fact, I have attempted to write some of these things down many times for the past year.  The end result?  An envelope filled with letters that have never been seen by eyes other than mine.

How does one go from an extremely articulate person to a wide-eyed, trembling mess who is unable to utter one syllable pertaining to something that is a constant weight upon shoulders that no longer want to carry it?  Perhaps my resolution this year should have been more about my ability to speak, and less about the writing that I have pushed to the side for so many years.

In the beginning…

My first attempt at creating ANYTHING in digital format. A project for my first design class, Principles of Design.


My first attempt at creating ANYTHING in digital format. A project for my first design class, Principles of Design.

This project was my first effort at using the Adobe software to create digital art.  I also learned how to “trace” using the pen tool in the Illustrator program, and successfully traced the following 2 pictures:

Caterpillar Trace Cheshire Cat Trace

Considering that prior to the class, I couldn’t do ANYTHING in these programs, I am pretty satisfied with the results!


Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence

This is a poster I created for a project in one of my classes. It uses some techniques layering one photograph over another, and the point was to send a message about something. This was something really close to home for me, hope you guys like it.


Gia~A Portrait in Type

Gia~A Portrait in Type

This is a typography portrait of Angelina Jolie from the movie, “Gia”. This was done using only the words in some of the quotes from the movie. It was one of my favorite beginner projects, and I did it around August, when I first started learning how to navigate the Adobe Creative software.




My friend Stephy drawn in Manga using Photoshop.


My Son in Manga

My Son in Manga

I drew this in Photoshop based on a sketch I had drawn previously of my son, Andrew, as a Manga character. I said that I would post some of my older digital work, and this is one of the first few that I actually drew on my own using Photoshop.

The Ties That Bind

       What are the “ties that bind”?  What is it that makes your soul feel bound to one person, but not to another?  As we travel through this journey called “life”, we meet new people, make new friends, go new places, and try new things.  We also lose people, drift away from those we were once close to, and return to our comfortable places, and habits.  Through all of it, there are always certain people, certain places, and certain things that seem to resonate with you, while others weave in and out of your life like leaves blowing in the breeze.  Not to mean that those things didn’t carry importance to you, they just don’t have that tie that seems to lead you back, over and over again. 

     I have met, and known, some wonderful people in my lifetime.  On the same note, I have also had my fair share of “devils”.  I have loved, lost, and loved again.  Friendships have been born, and died, sometimes many times over.  What is most intriguing, however, is the way some of those friends find a way into your very being, and feel like a part of you.  What is sad is that they aren’t always the best friends, or even the friends with the best of intentions.

     I once had a friend that repeatedly caused problems in my life, in my relationships, and even in my emotional state.  Several times we would end the friendship, and go for months, even years, without contact.  When she would finally reach out to me again, even after many years, I would always listen to her apologies, and her pleas that she had changed.  She would tell me that she realized what she had done was wrong, all the while still making excuses for the things so that she didn’t have to take the full blame.  It was always a matter of, “I didn’t mean to…” or “I didn’t realize that…”, and every time, I would give her the benefit of the doubt, and though I kept her at an arm’s length for a period of time, I did always allow her back into my life.  There was something about her, about our friendship, that seemed to be greater than the things she had done to me in the past.  I always believed that she and I were bound, in some way, and that deep down, she had never intentionally hurt me.   I put up with more from her than any person should EVER put up with from someone who calls you a “friend”.  I did, eventually, learn that I was less her friend, and more her toy.  She only contacted me and extended friendship when there was something I could do for her, some way that I could help her.  Basically, if it was beneficial to her, we were the best of friends, but when a new guy came along, or when she wanted to get out of trouble with the old one, I was always her scapegoat.  She took advantage of my good nature, my kindness, and my willingness to help other people.  She used me, talked trash about me behind my back to her other friends, and even to my own friends & family.  She stole from me repeatedly.  For some reason, that tie was very difficult to sever.  It took me a lot of years, and a lot of heartache.  Even now, I can look back at our relationship, and agree that nothing she did was ever selfless.  She didn’t care what she took from me, what she caused me to lose, and I think, she even tried to break me down.  She tried to sleep with my boyfriend at one point, and claimed that she was so drunk that she did not remember having done it.  My boyfriend laughed at her, and I think that bothered her more than anything I could have ever done to her.  Still, I wonder what it was about her that kept me coming back, accepting her lies as truths, even though deep down I always knew better.  I can’t tell you what that thing about her was, or why she seemed to be necessary to my life.  But, for a long time, that is exactly how it felt.  I felt drawn to her, merged with her, like we needed one another, despite the problems she caused, to survive. 

      I no longer feel that way toward her, but I don’t understand why it took me so long, or so much to realize what, and who, she really was.  I don’t understand why I chose to believe that we were friends when she consistently showed me that she would not be on my side, or have my back in any situation. It was just one of those ties that bind that held me to her like a magnet, and I will never completely understand how, or why it was like that, especially when I knew that she was little more than a devil.

     People have used me for their own selfish reasons so many times.  People that I genuinely cared about.  People that I would have done anything for, had they needed me.  Many of these people created ties with me that I have yet to break away from entirely.  There is a big difference between knowing what you need to do, and doing it, and how your emotions still handle the feelings you have about that same person.  Your emotions sometimes betray you in those situations.  Despite the knowledge that I mean little to some of these people than a ticket to something better, I felt that same odd sense of attachment.  That tie that said me & this person were meant to know one another.  What is that tie that binds us to things (and people) that just aren’t good for us?

     Bad people in your life are like bad habits.  They are hard to kick, can ruin your life, and you can never be sure that it is really over. At any time, you are subject to “fall off the wagon”, and take them back into your life, with the understanding that “this time will be different”.  Could it be that only the manipulative people in the world have the ability to mark your heart in that lasting way that leaves a scar?  I can’t say that is entirely true either because of the few really good people that have also left those same marks upon my soul. 

     If it is not manipulation, how is it that people can tattoo themselves into your very being?  What is the tie that holds you so closely to another human being?  It has to be more than love, more than friendship, more than something tangible, otherwise, only the good things would be there, and the bad would flutter away in the distance like a leaf in the wind.  I wonder if it means that some things, some people, are meant to be there, meant to cause the pleasures and pains that they cause, meant to wreak the havoc that only they can pull off so that you can find the path in life that you are ultimately meant to find.  If you think about it logically, every little thing in your life has meaning and value in relation to where you are at this moment in time.  Should there be even ONE change, it could domino into so many changes that you might be a different person, in a different place, and certainly experiencing a completely different variation of your life than the one that you know now.  The chaos theory, in full effect, basically.  Maybe the only way that we really learn the lessons in life that we learn, or become the people we are, is by being bound to the people that we are so bound to. 

     Without some of my worst experiences, I would not have made the decisions that have led me to this place where I am now.  I would not have the benefit of experiencing the life that I live.  For the first time in my life, I have a devoted partner in my life who provides for me.  I am able to focus completely on my goal of completing the Bachelor’s Degree that I always wanted.  I can say that I don’t have to worry of infidelity, or dishonesty.  Had I made one single choice differently, I would not be with the person I am with, living in the place we live, or doing the things that I am doing that will ultimately better my life overall.

     Maybe I can’t fully explain the ties that bind us to the people and things that we cling to so desperately sometimes.  Maybe no one can.  Maybe, just maybe, they are there for a higher purpose, a reason still unseen to our eyes.  Maybe one day we will look back upon them, and realize how they led us to the place where we ultimately found everything we were ever looking for.   Even if we aren’t at the point where we have reached our own personal Nirvana, maybe we can, at least, see how we were led to a better chapter in our lives because of them. 

My Yoda~RIP 1-2-14

Yoda was a baby Red Eared Slider turtle that I have had since the end of August, 2012.  He and 5 other turtles were enjoying some playtime in the tub when my min-pin/doxie mix dog somehow got in and threw them all out of the tub.  He had a severe puncture wound to his shell, along with many cracks, and abrasions.  He was bleeding profusely, and I immediately applied pressure to the puncture wound with towels.  I wrapped him in a washcloth and cared for him throughout the night. It was so sad, because he was crying tears, and making little sobbing noises.  He was hurt on New Year’s Eve.  By the next day, he seemed a little better.  I went out and bought supplies to provide care for him.  I bandaged, and sealed the cracks, and casted the puncture as instructed by the turtle expert that I spoke with.  He seemed so much happier after that, and was very active.  Later that night, he started scraping on the side of his tank almost frantically and when I approached the container, he looked at me.  He even followed my finger on the side of the tank, scratching at it with his little foot.  It was like he was begging me to pick him up, so I did. He looked right at me, and opened and closed his mouth repeatedly like he was talking.  I held him until he seemed calm, and returned him to his rocks so that he could remain dry-docked, and hopefully keep from getting an infection.  I couldn’t trust the bandages to be waterproof enough to prevent bacteria from entering his body cavity.  Unfortunately, when I awoke Thursday, he had not moved. His little eyes were still open.  After a lot of checking, and many tears, I had to come to terms with his death.  My poor little Yoda died. 😥  Who would have known that I could be that devastated from the death of this little, tiny turtle that fit in the palm of my hand? 


I wrapped him in paper towels, and made a little coffin for him out of a box.  I taped it shut so that no other animals could get to him, and I am releasing the little coffin into the waterway.  Rest in peace, poor little Yoda.  At least you will not suffer any longer.  😥  Poor baby.


RIP Yoda

RIP Yoda

My poor baby, Yoda, all bandaged and casted up after the dog got him on Tuesday. Yesterday, Thursday Jan 2, 2014, he died. 😥 I loved that little guy, and I tried everything I could to save him, but with a severe puncture wound to his shell, along with multiple cracks on his back, and abrasions and cracks to his belly, he just suffered too much damage and couldn’t hang on.

Artwork Profile

I wanted to be able to share my love of art with my fellow bloggers. As I said earlier, I am currently pursuing my Bachelor’s Degree in Graphic Design.  Six months ago, I couldn’t have created a THING when it came to digital art, and I have come a long way very quickly with my work.  I will be posting examples of my work here, however, if you’re an art lover, and would like to see my progress, especially my transition from traditional pencil & paper art to digital art, please look at my Deviant Art profile:

I look forward to sharing my art with other artists, and those who just love to look at it!

This was my first sketch done in Photoshop, using my first pencil sketch as inspiration!

Anime Girl

For example, this was my first ever sketch done in Photoshop.  I used my first traditional pencil sketch to go by, and was able to create this in photoshop.  I have come a long way since then, like the Christmas tree that I painted completely from scratch.  I posted it earlier, but you can see the difference in skill level just from about October or November.

I may post more art tonight, but definitely will be posting a lot more in the next few days.  Hopefully, you will enjoy it.

Christmas Tree

In case you missed it, here’s the tree again.  If you look at all the detail that I put into this piece, you can see the major improvement from that first sketch. I painted this from scratch, with no stencils or anything.  Just the Photoshop paintbrush! I did use the ellipse tool for the ornaments, but everything else, I did by myself. 🙂  I’m pretty proud of this one, because even the stand for the tree is very detailed.